April 26, 2015

Hitting the Nail on the Head

As I was running through my news feed on Facebook today I came across this open letter.  I have cleaned up some of the language and apologize if what I left offends anyone.  It is, however very truthful.

Dear Martha:
 You don’t know me, but I know you.
I know how you fill your days caring for your family. Work, school, chores, errands—the buzz of busyness keeps your mind numb. It is easier to maintain the fa├žade of the happy wife when the sun is up.
At night, however, when the stillness falls upon your house, the cracks in the walls of your “perfect” life can be seen.
He is distant and distracted. You rattle on about the kids, as he half listens, avoiding your gaze. You put the kids to bed and wait for him, but he doesn't come. He stays on the computer, on the phone, he steps outside to take a call or leaves to run a random errand.
You wait in bed alone.
You miss his body. You miss the way your back pressed into his chest as his strong arms held you close. You miss the way your bodies once moved together. Now, as he comes to bed, you reach out to him. He pulls away.
“Tired,” he says. Stress, work, kids.
Good night.
You turn and bury your face in the pillow, trying to silence your tears.
You tell yourself, “I will be sexier, thinner, a better mother, a better wife”. Then he will see me, hear me, want me.
You try, don’t you Martha?
The striving is endless. And exhausting. And empty.
Finally, something inside of you begins to crack. You feel it in your gut. Something is breaking free.
Your banshee shows up, raging.
She is screaming, “See me. Hear me. Screw me. Love me.”
He looks at you with icy cold eyes, “You are a crazy bitch. A nag. A boring f*ck.”
“It’s not me” he proclaims. His words pierce your soul.
He thinks it’s all your fault.
In the morning, he acts like nothing happened. He says it will be fine. Pats you on the head. That’s a good girl.
Well, dear Martha: Wake the hell up.
You were not born to be his puppet, his roommate, his doormat.
You were born to be valued, and loved and worshiped for the woman you are.
You were born a Goddess, a Queen.
You were born to be not only a mother and a daughter, but also a woman. Your needs and your happiness matter. You matter.
It is time to call on your inner tribe- your Warrior, your Banshee, your ball-breaking, take-no-prisoners, I-MEAN-BUSINESS Bitch-and get out.
No, you don’t know me dear Martha, but I know you. I was you. I am you.
Take my hand and step into the light. Your real life is waiting for you to show up.
Yours Truly,
An Awakened Woman  

Author: Christine Lumley

It brought back memories of me. Existing, not living.
I am glad I am not in that place anymore.

December 4, 2012

Curve Ball

Sometimes I cannot even believe the breath of emotion that comes with divorce.  There have been many a time since my last posting that I have contemplated writing a post of this or that but today it is given to me to get it out of my system.

My ex told me that he didn't want to be married anymore the day before we and the kids were to leave for a Disneyland vacation.  It was right after Christmas and we were going for the last of the school break and New Years.  He told me that he didn't know marriage was going to be like this.  So I asked what he meant by that.  Like going to work, coming home for dinner with your family, going to bed with your wife, getting things done on Saturday and going to church on Sunday? Wow, I was floored.  We were married in the LDS faith and to us, that means for eternity.  Faithful members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints have a strong belief in God the Eternal Father, his son, Jesus Christ and in the Holy Ghost.  We are Christian.  We believe in family, and the roles of mother and father- that children should be raised in love and righteousness. To renege on your marriage covenant is a HUGE thing with eternal consequences.  But that was okay because Andrew no longer believed in God.

So, I put on a happy face for the kids while we took our vacation.  I was in agony.  I told him not to mention anything to the kids.  Could you just imagine- "Hey kids, we're going to Disneyland and by the way I'm leaving your mom!"  It was 5 days of hell.  I, of course had told my parents and his.  He couldn't even man up and tell them himself.  HE was the one who wanted the divorce.  I wanted to work through it.  I had made a promise to Heavenly Father and I was going to see it through! However marriages can only be mended if both parties want them to be.  You absolutely can not make choices for someone else. So, in-between rides I was madly texting people who wanted to know what had happened when I didn't even know myself.

 We came home and began the process of finding a new normal.  I told Andrew it was his responsibility to tell the children, since he was the one who wanted to go so bad.  I of course ended up doing it and had fall-out like your wouldn't believe.  He didn't even help me with the tears and "what about's"?

Fast forward 3 years- divorce has been finalized, moved to a new home, making new memories- kids have leveled out (for the most part-all the emotional trauma I had to deal with and work through with the kids is another post all together) and POW!!!!!-you get kicked emotionally in the stomach.

Turns out my hero has been shacking up with a new girl friend.  She has a college-age son living at home still and I've allowed my kids to spend the night!  I was under the impression that my ex had moved in with friends-emphasize the "s" from work.  Like roommates.  Oh how wrong I was.  My 14 year old looks like she's 18-I can only imagine rape or molestation.  I can't help it!  Mama Bear instinct!!

I'm so so livid that he would even CONSIDER having our kids sleep over!  It's not bad enough that he's having relations outside of marriage!

Today I explained to our kids why they can no longer sleep over with their dad.  Stressing that I wanted them to be safe. Telling them that if their dad was married and the other son didn't live there then it would be okay for them to sleep over again.  I was calm, poised, and the kids responded favorably-thank heavens!  However my oldest told me that her dad was probably going to get married in March.

Part of me finds this absolutely hilarious- remember, Andrew didn't want to be married!
Part of me finds it insulting-for obvious reasons.
Part of me finds it intriguing- can't wait to see how long it'll last!

Getting hit with an emotional wrecking ball is never fun, but it's not the worst thing that can happen to you.  I'll admit there were tears and heartache still.  Things I needed to process and work through. I felt better after talking to a friend and going to church.  This post has been healing for me also. It feels good to finally get it out in the open.  God has given me strength to carry on with my life.

I hope one day soon He gives me the strength to not give a damn anymore about my ex.

October 10, 2012

Letting Go

This letter is to Marla Cilley. Founder and CEO of FlyLady.net, a website to help people overcome clutter and help them manage their house. I found these words to be so very truthful. About a lot of things...

Dear Marla,

My teenage niece visited last winter. Having never lived in a cold climate, she was delighted when it snowed. She decorated and dated a jar, filled it with snow and put it in the freezer to take home. To no avail, I explained that the fluffy snow would harden to ice, melt before we got to the airport - that no matter what she does to preserve it, she can't bring snow home...

Now, cleaning the freezer, I find her jar with a clump of ice that used to be snow, and smile at my niece's folly - preserving snowflakes. A God Breeze from Flylady gently reveals my hypocrisy - all the snowflakes I try to preserve, in my sentimental clutter.

FlyLady asks "need, use, love" in decluttering. When I come across sentimental items from friendships, I wonder whatever happened...if she retired, if her son is still having problems, if she ever got married, divorced, finished her degree, if her cancer came back; is she still alive? I think, I should look her up, get in touch, one of these days...but I don't feel a compelling urge to do so, right now. I think I "need" to keep the sentimental item, because someday, I might call...

But, I never do, get in touch. I never have gotten in touch. I never will.

The wondering is a detached curiosity, nothing more. Something inside me understands that the beautiful snowfalls of early winter in a place far away can't be recreated in this season of my life. I see it so clearly, in my niece's frozen snowflakes, the difference between what "was" and what "is" - what I don't "need" to keep, what I must leave behind. I don't "need" a reminder on my wall, to remember to call a friend. People I went to school with, worked with, neighbors, met in various organizations... these people are no longer friends... as a chunk of ice in a jar is no longer snow.

Flying is knowing that most of what I experience is ephemeral, meant to be noticed and appreciated in the moment it happens. Enjoying the snowfall, letting it melt away, letting go of what was, loving what is.


September 16, 2012


Busy times
Pushed here and there
My life is not my own

change for all of us
under my roof

which isn't really mine

Have I hit the bottom yet?
I hope to soon,
for, by reaching that point
I will finally be able to go

February 24, 2012


This post is purely my throwing myself a pity party.  Or maybe it's frustration.  I really can't tell the difference right now.

Are any of you out there in bloggerland an "ex"?

Do you have sole custody of your kids?

I've pretty much been a "single mom" for three years now. Even though I was still married I didn't have a marriage.  Know what I mean?  My then-hubby did whatever he liked.  NO regard for anyone's schedule except the one of his making, ERGO I was left holding the bag and taking care of kiddies 24/7.

I saw his family more than he did as a matter-of-fact.

Fast forward to 2012 with me in dating-land again.

I can't win.  I just can't win.  While I was out enjoying a homemade meal by a sweet guy I've only dated two times before, my kids apparently had world war three back at the house.  I came home to a cracked bathroom door because kid #2 locked herself in to get away from kid #1 and kid #1 thought it was her duty to get her sister out from behind the door.  I can only imagine how loud the banging and kicking must have been. And now I have a door to replace.

And you know what?  I'm not really even mad at my kids.  I'm mad at my EX!  By all rights I should have been at home tonight happily married and not having to worry if my new dates friends liked me. I would have been at home to defuse the sibling situation BEFORE a giant crack got punched and kicked into my bathroom door.  These sort of things happen all too often. And you know what really stings?  He'll never know.  He'll never even care.
I deal with "daddy fallout" ALL THE FREAKING TIME!  You know what children need?  They need a mom and dad who are on the same team.  My former mate only wanted to be a free agent, waiting on the highest bidder. I couldn't compete anymore.
So, thank you (fill in the blank).  Thank you so freaking much.  I hope you're happy. Hope you find what you're looking for, and don't worry about me and the kids.  We're having a great life without you-as you can plainly see.

February 5, 2012

It Sucked, and Then I Cried

Dating.  It is such a horrible game. I would like to personally thank my ex for the roller coaster ride I've been on lately.

I met a guy online in December.  We've chatted online and over the phone and texted too.  I really felt we were connecting.  We laughed together and even teased each other.  We finally met this week and went on TWO dates. Yes, that is correct.   I was so happy to be with him.  We had a great times together-all two of them.  Today he sent me an e-mail saying that there is someone else he feels closer to.  Okay.  Fine.  Whatever.

All I really want is someone to come home to who loves and appreciates me.  This is the time of life where I should be comfortable in my relationship.  Instead I'm on a roller coaster of ups and downs.  My heart has been so full of joy and excitement and then been let down and even irritated.

I have also been chatting with another guy.  He knows that he's not the only one I've been chatting with-he wanted to meet me too.  So I had 3 dates in one week.  Yes, three.  Good thing too because at least he wants to see me again.  Up up and away...

January 16, 2012

Aw Shoot

 This was one of my resolutions.
 I'm going  to try and go every month
 Check out my shot gun shot.  Those little shots sure do make a mess.
And as a bonus I have something to cross off my bucket list.