December 4, 2012

Curve Ball

Sometimes I cannot even believe the breath of emotion that comes with divorce.  There have been many a time since my last posting that I have contemplated writing a post of this or that but today it is given to me to get it out of my system.

My ex told me that he didn't want to be married anymore the day before we and the kids were to leave for a Disneyland vacation.  It was right after Christmas and we were going for the last of the school break and New Years.  He told me that he didn't know marriage was going to be like this.  So I asked what he meant by that.  Like going to work, coming home for dinner with your family, going to bed with your wife, getting things done on Saturday and going to church on Sunday? Wow, I was floored.  We were married in the LDS faith and to us, that means for eternity.  Faithful members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints have a strong belief in God the Eternal Father, his son, Jesus Christ and in the Holy Ghost.  We are Christian.  We believe in family, and the roles of mother and father- that children should be raised in love and righteousness. To renege on your marriage covenant is a HUGE thing with eternal consequences.  But that was okay because Andrew no longer believed in God.

So, I put on a happy face for the kids while we took our vacation.  I was in agony.  I told him not to mention anything to the kids.  Could you just imagine- "Hey kids, we're going to Disneyland and by the way I'm leaving your mom!"  It was 5 days of hell.  I, of course had told my parents and his.  He couldn't even man up and tell them himself.  HE was the one who wanted the divorce.  I wanted to work through it.  I had made a promise to Heavenly Father and I was going to see it through! However marriages can only be mended if both parties want them to be.  You absolutely can not make choices for someone else. So, in-between rides I was madly texting people who wanted to know what had happened when I didn't even know myself.

 We came home and began the process of finding a new normal.  I told Andrew it was his responsibility to tell the children, since he was the one who wanted to go so bad.  I of course ended up doing it and had fall-out like your wouldn't believe.  He didn't even help me with the tears and "what about's"?

Fast forward 3 years- divorce has been finalized, moved to a new home, making new memories- kids have leveled out (for the most part-all the emotional trauma I had to deal with and work through with the kids is another post all together) and POW!!!!!-you get kicked emotionally in the stomach.

Turns out my hero has been shacking up with a new girl friend.  She has a college-age son living at home still and I've allowed my kids to spend the night!  I was under the impression that my ex had moved in with friends-emphasize the "s" from work.  Like roommates.  Oh how wrong I was.  My 14 year old looks like she's 18-I can only imagine rape or molestation.  I can't help it!  Mama Bear instinct!!

I'm so so livid that he would even CONSIDER having our kids sleep over!  It's not bad enough that he's having relations outside of marriage!

Today I explained to our kids why they can no longer sleep over with their dad.  Stressing that I wanted them to be safe. Telling them that if their dad was married and the other son didn't live there then it would be okay for them to sleep over again.  I was calm, poised, and the kids responded favorably-thank heavens!  However my oldest told me that her dad was probably going to get married in March.

Part of me finds this absolutely hilarious- remember, Andrew didn't want to be married!
Part of me finds it insulting-for obvious reasons.
Part of me finds it intriguing- can't wait to see how long it'll last!

Getting hit with an emotional wrecking ball is never fun, but it's not the worst thing that can happen to you.  I'll admit there were tears and heartache still.  Things I needed to process and work through. I felt better after talking to a friend and going to church.  This post has been healing for me also. It feels good to finally get it out in the open.  God has given me strength to carry on with my life.

I hope one day soon He gives me the strength to not give a damn anymore about my ex.